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David Platt and his leadership team recently held the MBC mandated congregational meeting. The online meeting took the place of the constitutionally mandated quarterly congregational meeting, on Wednesday March 30, 2022. Was it prerecorded? We really couldn’t tell if it was live or recorded. Anyway, the video included a recap of 2021, many strange and bizarre updates from Elder Chair Larry Cooper, and a rare sighting of lead pastor David Platt, who happened to not be engaged in a paid speaking engagement for the evening, so begrudgingly attended.
The video meeting went according to plan. Although there was no Q&A, congregation members were encouraged to send their questions and concerns to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ok, Ok, that might not be the actual email address for concerns. However, just send those concerns in and prepare for church discipline meetings for your divisive questioning of God’s anointed.
Anyway, the meeting was scripted. So, it was boring. Here are a list of things that should have happened (and would’ve been a lot more entertaining) but assuredly did not happen at the congregational meeting:
- In true authoritarian fashion, Platt pushed to change the MBC church name to My Baptist Circus. The elder board, having kept voting open for five days, finally manufactured enough votes, and are please to announce that 95% of the membership voted in favor of the change.
- In a totally counter cultural move, Platt stated he is giving up one-fourth of his half million-dollar salary, donating his Range Rover to Radical, and flying coach – all this only for the month of April.
- Platt and Radical are offering his annual Secret Church event for free this year, making it available to the 7.9 billion unreached with Platt’s woke Bible Story.
- McLean leadership expressed gratitude for the $1,800,000 of PPP proceeds and over $1 million from the land sale, which they hope will offset a fraction of their legal fees.
- Platt defended his increased persecution of his own congregation, arguing his woke Story spreads more when the church is under persecution. Voice of the Martyrs opens its first US office, serving the victims at MBC.
- Dozens of therapists open their offices in DC Metro area to counsel all the victims of Platt and the elder board’s spiritual abuse and it was reported that their business is booming. A referral list is available in the circus lobby.
- Cooper addressed the escalating tension among leadership, as Pastor of Culture wants his salary doubled again, like it was in 2020, citing not doing so as evidence of systemic injustice. Decision pending.
- Platt and Cooper skipped over the reading of meeting minutes again, for the fourth straight time, stating the past is in the past, and they want to focus on moving Platt’s woke story to the nations. They promise they have nothing to hide.
- Platt, the elder board, and senior management are eagerly looking forward to discovery, to clear their names, citing they love honesty and transparency even more than they love being woke, and are happy for the right story to surface.
- Platt confirmed he was unaware MBC was sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to the SBC. Wishes he had known, as he would have stopped those transfers earlier and sent the money to Radical instead.
- Platt excited to offload New City Network, the SBC church planting arm, on fellow SBC church CityLight. Now, Platt admitted, he can focus on what he is really passionate about, which is shepherding and caring for his flock.
- MBC leadership confirmed the venomous snake infestation in the building is now under control.
- Platt and chairman Larry Cooper are eager to share with the congregation the results of the “investigation” of the child predator volunteering in the church, who was grooming children, including sharing his name.
- They provided a recap of the last four years, and sang praises to the individual responsible for such a successful transition. It was always the vision for MBC to be the fastest shrinking church in American church history. BRAVO!! Recognition coming soon.
- Platt explained why he canceled the large evangelical ministry event over Thanksgiving, called Turkey Outreach, citing people don’t eat turkey anymore.
- MBC elder board in an effort to reduce staff costs, is considering moving Platt from W-2 employee to 1099 contractor at $15,000 per 40-minute Sunday “sermon.” Item open.
- Atlanta Braves seek chaplain from non-denominational church. Platt, an avid Braves fan, devastated over what could have been had McLean Bible Church never joined the SBC.
- Community Update: Residents near MBC overjoyed with David Platt, stating there is no longer a traffic congestion issue on Sunday.
- Platt admitted that in 2021, though church plants, conversions, baptisms, attendance, and giving were down, a highlight for Platt was the disfellowshipping and trespassing of members, which by God’s grace, was at its highest numbers in 60 years.
Maybe some of those will happen at the next congregational meeting.
One can only hope for something true and entertaining next time. The puppet show from last week would put the typical church member to sleep.